Something meant to be shared 真水无香

Finally, I had chance to catch up with half dozen of my friends, I haven’t seen some of them for almost half a year!

It was very nice to have Shukreen and her husband around, I made dinner for us at my flat, this is actually the first time we could sit down properly and have a decent conversation after we both got married a year ago. I enjoyed their company just as I expected. How I wish we can do this more often! I also shared my plan to publish a book with them, it feels good when someone really understand where you are coming from and support you fully.

My girls, yea, they are my sisters. Just discovered a big ’secret’ - I was fantasied by one of them, kissing, that was…woo hoo, ” you should tell me earlier, so we could done something about it!” I winked at her and feeling flattered. I would say -” I’d love to, my dear” if you asked, more winks… 

And last but not least, I got my belated birthday present from Uncle King, although he is only 30 years old. I always think he is a old man tripped in a young man’s body. ” I wanted a wallet!” I shouted at him when I opened his gift, he replied with his signature smile, “next year, next year”. The truth is - he is the most accommodating guy friends I have ever had. Guess I shouldn’t ask for more. 

Anyway, it is nice to have different sets of friends, they fulfill different sides of you.

After 9 months of total breastfeeding, Archie seems had enough of it!

It is called ‘nursing strike’ which commonly occur to babies who have been exclusively breastfed for 8 to 9months. It hurts, because I was planning to breastfeed him up to his 1 year old, still 3 months to go…

Breastfeeding is tough and challenging, expressing religiously, night feeds, restriction on dietary etc… with all of these I still enjoyed every second of it, the bond I have with Archie is undescribeable and irreplaceable. We both enjoyed it, til’ now.

He is breaking up with my breast, but it feels like he is breaking up with me, he is rejecting my closest tender loving care.

He is growing up.

‘He might be back’, I am hoping. With all these ‘temporary emotional damage’ apart, mummy still wants to give the best to Archie!

To be a better person, I need to correct the mistake I made. 

To be a happier person, I should not punish myself by the mistakes others made.

Al has won me an air ticket to Europe!!!!!

Woooo Hoooo~~~~

Lately, Archie has developed some very unreasonable and demanding behavior - when he really wants something, he will find his way to get it, that could either be crying out loudly for attention or ‘fighting’ over it with fellow daycare mates.

He is only 8 and half months old!

How come no book tells me that baby starts to learn how to manipulate our love and care at such a young age!! It brings me to think - it’s time to introduce him rules and discipline.

Here is to Archie:

Son,

There are things in life that you really really want. Mummy will get it with you, or even for you. Mummy promises you.

But, there are things in life you really really want. You can’t get. Then, you need to learn to let go, learn to accept that you can’t get it, and live with it.

Most importantly, you need to learn to judge what’s worth to want in the first place, and what’s not.

Love you very much,

P/s: Rules and discipline are not to help you learn about this, it will only help you to not hurt yourself, at this early stage.

Mum xxx

Al and I were talking about our plans for the next two years on the couch at home - where Archie should be educated, when is the best time for me to further my study, his business plan etc…

Then I looked around, and I realized that I can leave here just like that - nothing I can’t leave without, nothing I’d like to bring with me, not the furniture, not the DVDs, not my work, only maybe just some of my shoes, bags, and dresses and Al’s books, that’s it really! As long as I have Archie in my arms, Al besides me, with my friends’ blessings, I am ready to go.

But this doesn’t mean that I haven’t left my fingerprints over the years in Malaysia, I have. Tons of them. I absorbed them; the things that have happened have became part of me, ‘it’ will go wherever I go. It’s in me.

Someone famous said “Live light so you can travel light.” I am glad that even though I live rather ‘heavily’, I still can ‘travel’ light. That makes me feel damn good.

I’ve been ready to leave the city; a long long time ago.

Being a mother, as my baby grows older each day, I amazed that how much influence I can have on him - my personalities, the rules I set for them, my values, the boundaries I believe, the opportunities I created for him, so much so that I am very self conscious now.

He starts to crawl, once in a while, he might hit his head on the ground and looking at my reaction, if I reacted with fear and worry in my eyes, he will cry; but if I reacted with a bright smile and a look of encouragement, he won’t make a fuss and continue to play and explore. See, what a difference! They react to what we react, they learn what we teach, even in these small little ways!

Then, I am thinking, if I looked worried and horrified (which is very nature!)whenever he hits or crumbles, he might grow up to someone who afraid of risks, challenges and excitements. I certainly don’t want him to become someone who follows the rules and stay in the line all time sort of person! See, this is what I mean how much I can influence my child. 

Sometimes, these impacts are so small and subtle that we don’t even realize! Our good and bad will reflect naked on our child - our prejudices, discrimination, impatient, selfishness, all of these will show in our child.

On the other hand, child will also learn the good things - caring, compassion, forgiveness…

So, when our child is doing good, thank yourself too. Because you are doing better.

When our child is doing not so good, before get all angry with him, look within ourselves first, he might just doing what we have taught him, even unintentionally.

Having said so, they will find a set of beliefs and values themselves, in some day.

Until then, they are the mirrors of ourselves.  

When I understand that my child is the mirror of myself, I do feel more responsible and I want to be a better person, for him.

I noticed whenever I experience some sort of disturbing mood is when I pushed myself too hard.

I need to give myself a break. Pause. And look back how far I have become. Then look forward again.

Thought about the topic of confidence recently, I noticed that my confidence level has been affected when I was doing my confinement after giving birth - very little interaction with outside world. And some subtle changes on my confidence level when I started to work again after that long-isolated-staying-home-wife-mother period.

So, I think it comes from both internally and externally. Internally, if you know who you are, love and believe in yourself, then you have the inner confidence. Whereas, externally, your confidence is empowered by the interaction with others. The feedback or reaction from others is adding up to your ‘bank of confidence’, externally.

I know people who has more external confidence than their internal confidence. These people turn to be very loud, like the attentions from others, mood swings, good at social or public environments, but somehow, feeling empty, inside.

I know people who has more inner than their external confidence. These people turn to believe in themselves at what they do and knowing what they are good at, love and respect themselves. They really shine when they talk about what they truly believe and love, but shy in public situation in general. They are not very vocal about their feelings however they are high independent. They are good at one-to-one sort of interactions, never really good at showing their emotions to others. They are tough, inside.

I seldom know someone who has best balance of both sides, inner and external. And I think each and everyone might experience the perfect balance and imbalance once in a while.

No matter which side you are in more, you are safe, at least you are half way there. So, work on the other half.

But true confidence is when you have the inner and external, equally.

If you truly believe that you did or said is what you meant or believed, then don’t be afraid of been judged or hate or disliked or disagreed by others.

You are doing what you believe is right, is truthful.

You are being yourself.

No one said is easy to be yourself.

… …

God, I feel so much better now.