Something meant to be shared 真水无香

          The nature of my job is to make a total stranger to not just like me but TRUST me in the first few seconds after we meet. For the record, it is quite effortless when it comes to boys, they will usually like me. Whereas, girls, they find me somehow intimidating.

          Since I went back to work, I noticed this has changed.

          The girls find me easy to ‘click’ with. The boys, on the other hand, harder.

          It got me thinking, I wonder what’s causing it, why is this switch? Until yesterday, I didn’t have the answer. It was my wedding ring! A project for work requires me to talk to a bunch of boys who are around my age. I was rather confident of getting what I wanted. After introducing myself, I accidently caught one of the boys glancing at my ring and he had this moment of judgment look on his face which quickly disappeared in 2 seconds. But just in those  seconds, I am sure, I had been judged in his mind.

          Right! The ring! Of course! It says so much about me, at least to strangers.

          Without the ring, to girls, I am ‘dangerous’. Single. Reasonably attractive. And I might steal their boyfriends/husband. Therefore, I am not a friend.

          In this case, to these boys, it could say to them, ‘hey, she might be older than she looks’, ‘she might have kids already?’ or ‘she is someone’s wife!’. See, the ring is saying to these boys – hey, you better behave, or to a certain extent - fuck off.  

          The twist is, to girls, I have become one of them. No matter how confident I am, I am just/only one of them, looking for love, a desire to have a family, and possibly being afraid of my husband being stolen by someone like the old me.

          This is the power of the ring – whether it’s an invisible wall or a bridge, I need to make it work for me.

Dear Isabel,

How are things? I hope everything is well for your baby boy. I was just cleaning my mail box and I came across you email. I just though of dropping you an email to see how are things. Despite of the economic hick cups we remain positive and rather is expecting growth for 2009 hence we are still geared up in hiring mode.

I hope that you are well adjusted to your new port folio. Do keep in touch. J

Warm regards

YCLee

HR manager

Research International Malaysia

Level 3A, Menara Milenium

8 Jalan Damanlela, 50490 KL

          I was so relieved when I saw this mail. I thought I have been ‘black-listed’ when I rejected the offer after signing the job offer agreement with them.  So, it’s all good.

Blake, the real deal.

          Will I ever be satisfied with him?

          When expectation is based on one’s potential, trouble.

          I shall readjust my expectation.

          Because, I want this to work.

          Was watching Vanity Lair on MTV last night - they call themselves ‘beautiful peolpe’. It’s a social experinment on people perception of ‘what’s attactiveness’.

          Actually, there are few funky shows are on, the other one called ‘Key to VIP’ which, I think, is inspired by the book ‘The Game’. These guys are pretty pathetic..Anyway, it’s fun to watch.

          Is Fear the opposite of Love.

          Have you really really really loved something or someone.

          Here is what I am experincing. I love Archie so so so much to a point that I am so afraid to love him. I know it sounds rather ridiculous, but it is true. The fear is coming from afraid of ‘losing’ something or ‘too good to be true’, if you know what I mean…  

          You see, I am not afraid of responsibility; financial difficulties or even my own death. But I realize I am afraid to love, or I should say what’s opposite of love.

          Finally, I understood, to love needs courage, too.

          I have  to confess, I’ve became an Ant Killer.

          I use to be very conscious about ‘Not to kill’ even the annoying-countless-ants. I will either blow them away or help them to get where they want to get. And recentlly, I became the ultimate Antz Killer and this is because I am very afraid they might get in to my baby’s crib … I feel very guity about this.

          Please forgive me, antz. I know you are only surviving, just like all of us.

What will you do if you discovered your husband’s porn collection by surprise?

          There is a difference between a dream and a vision. For instance, if you dream to be rich, you will never be rich, but if you visualize yourself becoming rich, you will be rich one day.

          When I was young, I visualized myself dining in a posh restaurant that I passed by. I dinned  there soon after without me even realizing it.

          When I was young, I visualized myself living in one of these fancy houses in Bangsar. I lived all over Bangsar by the time I graduated from college.

          When I was young, I visualized myself travelling around the world. I haven’t stopped putting pins on a map to show the places I have been to.

          Now, apart from visualizing myself growing older gracefully and holding more power. I visualize I will have a home call my own, soon. A real nice place.

          Vision is law of attraction. Vision is achievable. Vision is where you want lead yourself to.

          What is your vision?    

          ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude has held me through my rule-less youth -

          There were a lot things I didn’t give a fuck about – I didn’t give a fuck about what others thought of me, I didn’t give a fuck about what will happen the next day but simply enjoy myself in that very second, I didn’t give a fuck about ‘misbehaving’ in  public with my lover, I didn’t give a fuck if I was wearing same clothes to class the next day and being teased by my friends, I didn’t give a fuck if I didn’t speak perfect English but debate my thoughts off my chest in the public speaking class, I didn’t give a fuck when I got high in a class with my mates and asked all sorts of stupid questions; I didn’t give a fuck if I have to be the one to ask the guys out for a date the first time, I didn’t give fuck if I was been judged as ‘wild’ or ‘over-confident’, I didn’t give a fuck, then.

          The process of growing older has certainly changed me a little. I slowly lost it, losing the attitude of ‘don’t give a fuck’ has stopped me from doing something that is too adventurous, too risky, too irresponsible, too childish, too ‘in-my-own-world’. Is not that I won’t dance on a bar anymore, it just that I started to weigh things a little differently than before, this is maybe because I value things differently than before I guess. My confidence is no longer intimidating, my sense of determination is no longer aggressive.  

          I’ve officially grown up, I feel older.