Something meant to be shared 真水无香

Interviewer:       hello first time mummy, what is your baby’s name?

Mummy:             Archie Zhang Guthrie

Interviewer:       when was he born?

Mummy:             21^st June 2008 at 9:45 am

Interviewer:       how was the moment of birth like?

Mummy:             needles, terrified, relieved, emotional, and still numbed legs

Interviewer:       how did you feel when you first hold your baby?

Mummy:             absolutely overwhelmed with tear of joy, love, love love… and just pure miracle!!!

Interviewer:       how is it different when he is inside of your tummy and when you hold him in your arms?

Mummy:             I can feel him when his was in my tummy, but somehow, the idea of him was rather abstract and distant… whereas having him in my arm was a pure miracle… very emotional… although, it took me a day to relate to the idea that he was coming out from my tummy, the unconditional love for him became stronger after every second! Me and Al feel soooooo blessed…….

Interviewer:       what do you think of baby Archie?

Mummy:             You won’t believe it, he’s got a personality although he is only few days old - he is not only a man of few words, but a mature baby! He is generally clam and content, often opens his eyes and observes his surroundings quietly and curiously, not any unreasonable requests or demands… just easy.. and happy!

                                He seldom cries, and when he does, he cries with rhythm – “rella, rella…rella, … e~ e~ e~..”

Interviewer:       I heard there was a little ‘hiccup’ a day before you and Archie were about to go home?

Mummy:             yea, it was the very first test that me and Al needed to go through with Archie as parents. Just a night before discharging, Archie had periodically fast breathing issue and he had to be transferred to the nursery for monitoring purposes, blood sugar level tests, drip, few blood tests, Chest X-ray etc, it was bit of an emotional rollercoaster for both me and Al. But we are very relieved that everything turned out well, Archie is generally healthy!

                                The pediatrician didn’t really help either, he caused us a great worry with no clear direction offered when we desperately needed it…

Interviewer:       what has changed after his arrival?

Mummy:             my style of doing things, it is no longer following my pace but his. That’s it really, I have no complaints about lack of sleep and sore nipples, it has a purpose.

Interviewer:       how’s daddy doing?

Mummy:             he is a natural! So involved, apart from breastfeeding, he does it all, well!

Interviewer:       how do you feel differently with each other after Archie was born?

Mummy:             we started to form a concept of ‘family’ - supporting each other emotionally and financially have become so important. I couldn’t say Archie has made us stronger as couple yet, because we are still adjusting and learning about this new lifetime experience. I think we just need to learn how to have the joy in these daily chores and errands.

Interviewer:       so far, in your opinion, what to take to be a good first time mummy?

Mummy:             willpower, self-discipline, encouragement and lots of love.

20th of June.

The end of my rule-less, irresponsible, self-centered, fun days to motherhood. 

I feel calm and yet anxious.

But I know, I am ready.

          Mum and I just had our official first fight since they are here a week ago.  When we fight, I mean really fight, nasty and loud. I don’t enjoy it and I am sure no one does, but anticipation of these fights was unavoidable.

          I am sure I will be wiser and calmer if they are someone else’s parents, I will be able to act more rationally, but they are my parents who have missed out my last 10 years of growing process and life.

          Sometime I feel pity for my mum, deep down in her is hoping that I will have that closeness and dependence that she had with her mum. We both know we will never do. The gap between us is not only generation issues, but mindset, values, beliefs and hopes.

          However, by saying so, I am still close to my parents, also because of this ‘closeness’, we like to interfere, judge and expect things from each other’s actions and decisions. Things become tougher when we have different perceptions and concepts about things even when all of us have a good intention to start with.

          I find myself hard to compromise with my parents, I am very eager to show them what these 10 years has made me, and I refuse to let their criticisms to affect my judgments. I trust myself. But that doesn’t make me a good daughter, at least not in their eyes.

          Maybe they are right, I am not a good daughter after all. I just hope I will be a good mother.