Something meant to be shared 真水无香

I wish I don’t have to work for a while, so that I can concentrate on the things that matters to me more…

I wish Al could financially support me and this family more…

I wish I am having this baby in a beautiful and quiet countryside, so I can find the peace and freshness that I really needed…

I wish we’ve got our own place, so I can start to make it a home…

I wish most of my girlfriends have had baby or going to have baby, so that they can share this special experience with me and support each other more…

I wish my parents could help me with some of the financial burdens just like most parents would do…

I wish there are more places I can take a good walk without worry about my safety…

I was looking for something that’s easy to read, but this book turned out not as easy as it looked. It was rather dark… it is like those rewarded independent films, not everyone would appreciated. But no one could denial it’s substance.

          Al and I are spending this weekend in Saujana golf club for a get-away. Since we are in the golf club, Al very conveniently picked up his golf clubs went straight to that 18 holes. That’s fine, I enjoy spending time by myself.

          I decided to go to the clubhouse for lunch by myself, so that I can use the Internet at same time.

          I hate to go to the golf clubhouse.

          Golf is still very male dominated sport. First, when I stepped in the place, I’ve been watched as piece of meat by the men who just after their swings; then, the ‘look’ from the stuff in the clubhouse - ‘hey, young lady, are you lost?’ written all over their faces; soon I notice the heavy make-upped Carlsberg girls was serving the beer all over the place. It makes me think of the Chinese kopitim crowded with all that beer bellies, only they have a thing called ‘membership card’…

          I sit down, ordered my food, put my card on the table.

          I hate come to clubhouse - so called the community, so called rich-Man sport, so called ’status’, but a lifestyle that has its own heritage for a long time.

          I have a card is because of I want to be good at golf. I don’t hate the clubhouse, what I hate is the pretentious attitudes and distorted humanity.

          A membeship card doesn’t make you what you are not. If you need a card to show your status, you are poorer than a beggar.    

          I made deal with Al – I am keeping my name.

          Because, the title ‘Mrs Guthrie’ is just too…too ’not me’.

          With all respect and understanding, Al agreed.

          It wasn’t the aesthetics of name-changing that bothering me, it was the principle: because the tradition of taking a woman’s surname away from her on marriage has its origins in a time when we were considered a man’s property. I am no one’s property, although my surname is a man’s anyway (I’m going to do something about that too! I mean to my next generation).

          All of this come to a bottom line – self-identity. It is also shows how I regard myself to men, to marriage, to my children and to the traditional values. One of the major obstacles of marriage that faced by many women I know is that they ebb away the sense of self.

          Marriage is a team work (as Al often put it), a partnership, it is not a merger and would never be a takeover.

          Marriage is not a dependence but inter-dependence. I’ve always been independent, and I always will be. I know it is easy for me to say when I am now only twenty-something, the longer the marriage is the more dependence will grow (think about our parents, well, of course if we are lucky that they still together and love each other dearly) but I will keep reminding myself…I hope I can still proudly see myself as an individual in next 40 years, 60 years….

P.S. Be financially independent is the foundation of having sense of self, I strongly believe.

            Every pregnant woman was carrying the dead, until there is a soul.

                           ———-Dara Horn, The World to Come

Dark, I didn’t like it when I first read it. But it makes sense.

It was bedtime…

Al: Can we watch one episode of ‘Family Man’ (it is a cartoon that is very similar to ‘Simpsons’, quite popular in U.S. now, but very silly)

Me: Ok (if that can keep him in bed with me, I thought)

Al: Oh, that’s easy (yea, usually I would say ‘no’, it is a silly cartoon and I would want to sleep)

Me: You think I am a monster? (Yes, I’d like to do the opposite of what you think I’ll do, sometimes)

Al: Without a second of doubt, he said - A small one.. (plus a wicked smile on his face)