Something meant to be shared 真水无香

        I believe there is a mission in each life we live. We need to learn certain things and wisdom in current life, if we didn’t complete this mission, we will re-live the next live, until we fulfil what we need to learn in order to go to next stage of existing. This is what I call, progression.

          Once upon the time, I thought having children will complete the wisdom of my current life, which is my mission. Until I have it, I know it isn’t. I probably have done it in past lives. I have learnt what I needed to learnt about this already in my past lives. That’s why I am not particularly excited, or feel the feeling isn’t new. I know I can be a good mother and I will be.

          So, what is my mission in this life time? What is my purpose of this life?

          I was watching this TV programme yesterday, it was showing how grateful this woman was when she heard the little heartbeat in her tummy, she said it was like a magical and such relief at that moment of time; her world has changed at that moment. What happened to me, why I didn’t feel as excited as she did? Why I didn’t have that connection that she had? What’s happening I wondered…

          I burst out a happy laugh when I heard the little strong heartbeat in my tummy. That’s all reaction I had. I was expecting I would feel more – more excitement, more gratefulness, and more connection to this little life inside of me. But I didn’t. Maybe the nausea has taken all my joy and strength, made me sick; or maybe I feel pregnancy or ability to be pregnant is not a miracle but rather a very natural thing.

          I catch myself thinking about future more, how this baby is gonna turn out, his/her path, the things he/she will go through in his/her life, all the ups and downs, her/his choice and decisions, all the bad possibilities that may put them in danger … … All of these are so much bigger than the pregnancy, than the delivery, than being the parents. This makes me feel that I am bringing a COMPLETE INDIVIDUAL to this world, so why should I get so involved? In fact, I don’t want to get so involved.

          All of this has kinda distanced my emotions from this little life.

          Have I lost the ability to love?

          Or shall I just blame the 1^st trimester.

          I know I won’t be a bad mum but a mum that will fulfil her duty.

          Coping with a marriage (a good man), learning to be a good wife (a health marriage), buying a property (a place we call ‘our own’), doing-up our own place (a comfy, stylish place), wedding planning (celebrations in 3 parts of the world), starting a family (a complete family), financial struggles (working hard for it), pregnancy, pregnancy tests and soon delivery (our baby)… all of these at SAME TIME, isn’t helping.

(Everything in this is the positive way of looking at it)

          God, I need some professional help.

          In my life so far, there have been two occasions where me and my parents have had really different opinions. The first time was when I transferred myself from a business major to a psychology major in college. My dad refused talk to me for almost half a year. However, it was the most significant decision I’ve made for myself which I am truly proud of until today.

          The second time was when I told them the big news recently. They didn’t like the idea that the ‘sequence’ has all kinda messed up. This time, however, I asked for them forgiveness, because I needed their support and involvement now than ever. I want them to feel just as happy as me and Al. I want to show them we have thought this through properly, and things will be fine. I understand this is not a very ‘natural’ thing for them, and they are adjusting… I just need them to do it faster and be more grateful to ‘a life’ than their rusty traditional values, faces.

          I love my parents, deep deeply. I guess this explain all our complex emotions. This is also the second time I feel strongly of being independent. This is my life, my decision. Oh no, this is my life, my family, our decision.

          For what’s more important, there is a whole different life ahead of me to look forward to, mum and dad, can you see that?!

            So it happens that I and few of my good friends are either engaged or getting married around same period of time. It really shows all of us have come to a different lifestage now.

          The brides and ‘bride-to-be’s all have the diamond rings on our fingers. One thing I notice that I have the biggest among them all. See, this does not make me feel happy. In fact, it makes feel a little uncomfortable.

          I am never a diamond sort of girl, matter of fact I despise the idea of ‘diamond is forever’. To me, it is just marketing manipulation and pure human interpretation. So, it is really ironic that I am not just having it on my finger, but having it so obviously on my finger. Let’s use Al’s words, “I know you don’t like diamonds, but the market is so skewed that I can’t find any other ring that’s suitable for the engagement, for you. Besides, you wouldn’t want this ring, which you are going to wear for rest of your life, just to be any other ring, right?”

          Al is being very, very sweet, he is following his British gentleman tradition – ‘ a man should get his lady an engagement ring that is not less than 3 months’ salary’, he even converted the Ringgit to Pounds just to get a sense that he is doing it right. So, let’s embrace my man’s good hearted intention.

          Let me say this from bottom of my heart, in this incident, I believe SIZE DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is - the road, which we chose, that’s laid ahead of us…

p/s: Of course, my ring didn’t cost Al 3 months’ salary. If he did, he might have to spend more to hire a bodyguard to follow me everywhere I go.

          Jacelyn’s wedding reception is over, it was grand. And as we planned, I was the MC. The reason that I am bringing this up is because there were few times I was contemplating to give it up. My nausea is driving me up the wall. I thought I won’t be able to get through it…but I am glad I did, it means a lot to me to be the MC in my darling gal’s wedding, it is something special for both of us.

          I put it through, I gave it my best, and I think I couldn’t have done it any better. I am proud of myself.

          Isabel L. T. Zhang is officially engaged to Alistair G. Guthrie in 2nd November 2007.