Something meant to be shared 真水无香

          Beaches used to inspire me, they made me feel free; not anymore, I know I am free.

          Books used to inspire me, they help me to reflect my thoughts; not anymore, I won’t just settle for the reflected thoughts.

          Music used to inspire me, it embraces my emotions; not anymore, I have so much emotion it doesn’t even need to be embraced.

          Sunsets used to inspire me, their golden light makes me feel warm and gentle; not anymore, a sunset now only reminds me of a day ending without achieving much.

          MTV used to inspire my lifestyle, it made my dancing feet ‘itchy’; not anymore, it’s just entertainment like it always will be.

          Meeting interesting people used to inspire me, talking to different people made me feel rich; not anymore, how can I inspire others when I am not inspired.

          ……….suddenly, I realized I haven’t been inspired for a long, long time. That makes me feel ‘ordinary’ and restless. I can’t just live at the same level for the next 20 years, I need to feel progressions.

          I need to be inspired.

          I’ve often heard people say – ‘I wish I can go back to the time when I was in high school,’ or ‘I wish to go back when I was younger’. These were never the case for me. 

          It’s not that I had a bad childhood; in fact it’s rather extraordinary in lot of my peers’ eyes. It just ….

          In the beginning I lived off my father’s glory but was reckless and foolhardy. I struggled between what I was told to do and what I wanted to do. I had no soul.

          The years of schooling, I was overly active, I wanted attention badly, and I feel I never could life up my father’s expectations of me. I struggled to be myself and to be the person I wanted to be. I had a confused soul.

          The years of college, I failed a few times, I made more than a few mistakes, I got up, I learned. And I transformed. I was almost who I am now. I struggled having the freedom and to be responsible. I started to see what the potential of having a soul is.

          The years of working, I get stressed, I get rewarded. I learnt to master the art of multitasking. I won’t allow my pay to justify what my sense of worth is. Instead of struggling, I now deal. I wait when I need to wait, I attack when I need to attack. I enjoy being in control. I might still be a fool, but I am a happy and experienced fool.

          The years have made my soul hunger for more – more to come, more of now and what the future can bring.

          It is hard to do nothing - you will never know when you will finish.

        这个早上，我被深深的困在了缓缓移动的车流里，突然觉得无法呼吸。呼吸！这是我现在最最需要的！此时此刻，我深深地厌倦了城市的急躁，空虚以及对物质的糜恋，我需要到一片绿色的田野上去呼吸。我需要自然！我渴望自然！ 

       一直以来，我都很向往在欧洲一个偏远的农场里过着逍遥的农家生活， 自食其力，返朴归真，一切的一切都将变得简单而有意义。总有一天，总有一天 …… 我默默的企盼着和我爱的人分享这一天的来临。

          Speaking two languages is like having two souls, especially when I dream in English, or try to express my feelings and thoughts in this second language.

          I always try to remind myself and peolpe around me that I only started speaking English as my second language in year 2002. 5 years, that’s how long … to remind myself not to over expect, and to remind peolpe not to over expect. (I notice peolpe forgotten English is my second language at times).

          One thing for sure, I will never use English in a ‘rich and sensual’ way that I use Chinese. I will never feel as close as to English compare to Chinese.

          English is my tool.

          Chinese is my root.

Doc:    You are a ‘Type A’ personality. You want everything to be perfect!

Me:     Yes. I know I am a ‘Type A’ personality since I was 12. And no, you are wrong. I don’t want it to be perfect. I just want it to be healthy.

          I wrote this ‘A Night of Transforming’ and followed by ‘My Body is A Motherland’ middle of last year. And I guess it will help me to answer a lot of questions from my friends…

          I feel better when I read what I’ve wrote a year and half ago, how wonderfully odd!

          I’ve started to lost interest in clubbing and watching Astro (I can’t believe this!)

         I’ve stopped eating Maggie Mee (Only Cythia knows how difficult this is for me, haha!)

          I’ve started to have strong negative feels to smoking and second hand smoking (Sorry!)

          I don’t feel like to talking to strange-good-looking-guys when they approach me (I wonder whose loss ..hehe)

         I’m starting to like the color pink (Yea, I know…how strange!)

         I’ve started to feel more responsible and homey (That means more house-parties)

         Yes, of course, my body, it is on a journey of discovery (I don’t want to be unmanageable fat!)

         And, for the first time, I have no sense of what future holds even if I have feelings for it strongly

TO THE DAY TO REMEMBER – 18^TH October 21, 2007

酝酿中的红果

有了你，在我的身体里

所有的一切 注入全新的韵律

捉摸着次日的朝阳

揣测着冥冥中的注定

不知 可否开心

有了你，在我的身体里

所有憧憬的背后

支撑着两颗坚韧的心

却多了一层薄薄的可能性

不知 可否开心

酝酿着的红果 

掺杂着昔日的狂浮 定了性

也全因为

有了你，在我的身体里

          “I wanted to be hospitalized!” I know this sounded ridiculous, but this was what I wanted when I was waiting for the result of my blood test in the emergency room… I wanted to know how it is like to be hospitalized in this foreign land. And I got what I was wishing for.

          Hospital is the place reminds us of death and illness without a shame. But it wasn’t the case for me. Strangely, I didn’t think of anything. I tried to capture some of my thoughts so I can put them on my blog, there was none. I guess it was because I wasn’t that sick, or because I was been well taken care of… no surprises, and somehow, predicable.

          I have been admitted to hospital twice besides this one in my last 27 years, and those two times were far more serious than this time. So, maybe I’m just used to it. Or maybe this time wasn’t as unprepared as the last two.

          I didn’t think of my parents and wish them here to look after me.

          I certainly didn’t think of work.

          I wasn’t in the mood to read even I had all the time in the world.

          I didn’t think of my unfinished ‘to-do-list’.

          I didn’t even think of facebook.

          Time is ‘frozen’ here, in this hospital, on this bed. But that was only my time, not anyone else’s; the world is still busy without me. God, that feels bizarre – realizing I am not that important. Or am I? I received fruits, flowers, chocolate, caring, attention, greetings and home made food by my MD’s Mum…anything that any lucky person needed when they sick. I am grateful.

          Just some random thoughts while I am lying on the hospital bed:

-I didn’t want to go to work right before I was diagnosed with ‘Dengue’

-Who will cry at my funeral

-I shouldn’t smoke weed on Sat. 

-Law of attraction

-Will this old lady besides me be discharged before me?

-I’m looking forward the ‘Shaun the sheep’ on the Disney channel - (OMG, I caught myself was looking forward a cartoon for a 5 years old?! I can’t believe how an environment could impact even such complex mind …)

          That’s enough. I want to recover. I want to go back to my normal life. Or not?

          ……..

          I try to always remind myself not to forget I am a foreigner and I am alone in a foreign country.. So I won’t over expect and push myself too hard for something I do not deserve. One thing I am quite certain after today is that I don’t feel that foreign after all. I guess that’s the point that needed to approve in back of my mind. 

p/s, please buy yourself insurance.