Something meant to be shared 真水无香

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

                                          ——- Will Burant

          My desire so strong that it burns down men’s ego and my inhibitions.

          I went to BlueX’s farewell party last Friday, and I saw her, BlueX’s partner+soulmate. I was quite surprised when I sensed the resistance from her. It never occurs to us before, why now? Didn’t put much thought into it, I laughed it off by thinking this is a sign of two people in the relationship for too long – the husband and wife syndrome.

          But it kinda bothers me that it makes me think of my relationship with Al. They have been together just as long as me and Al. He is always so sure about their relationship, and I believed they do have something very special. Thinking of how strong is their relationship makes me feel good. It gives me faith for my relationship somehow. Thinking of the past, BlueX and I had a long history a few years ago, and we stayed good friends after these years. He can see me beyond who I am, I’ve always believed.

         When I sensed the fear, I can see myself in her. Occasionally, I am suffering from the same kind of fear what she is having - The fear of losing control, fear of uncertainly, the fear of insecurity of myself and Al.

          Fear is poison.

          I am not really interested in what gives her the fear, though I predict that it might have something to do with me. It is not my position to dig deeper.   

….

….

Continued..

          BlueX and I had dinner the next day, and my intuition was right.   

It is only natural to have expectations for others. Parents have expectations to their children; lovers have expectations to their lovers; employees have expectations for themselves as for their bosses; but what about friends? People say that true friends don’t expect, they only accept who we really are - it is a kinda true friends, in fairytales.

I feel the conflicts between friends are often caused by differences in expectations; at least it is the case for me. From friends to good friends to close friends, expectation progresses too. To be close friends, they earn the credits to be trusted, to be counted on, to be loved. I realized that there is a fine line between expectations and being demanding, it is especially easy to be messed up when two friends are getting too close. Sometimes, when the two know each other too well, they are not only knowing what kinda cards they are playing, and also why these cards have been played, which will rise up the expectations even more.

See, lovers, parents, employers or even employees, they have the ‘rights’ to expect, even sometimes they crossed the line from expect to demanding, they are easily forgiven. This might not be the case for friends. Unlike relationship such as lovers, parents or owner and workers, friendship has less direct ‘incentives’ to seek/go after. Therefore, it is hard to communicate the expectations to our friends; we assume friends lived up our expectations without expecting.

What if they didn’t? What if the expectations are transformed to demands? Which side should take the initiative to make the adjustment? Which side should put down the ego and say, "I’m sorry, no matter what was it about".

          Ok, there are these two guys. One is always on the spotlight everywhere he goes, although I don’t think he is particularly enjoying that; he is also young and feeling insecure. Another one likes to be labeled as a ‘player’, he has been through a little bit more, and he thinks he is experienced. He is carefully protecting his ‘purity’ and reserving it for someone special. They both are very charming. 

….

         What’s the difference between faithful and loyalty?

          A year has just past. Last year this time, I met him, there wasn’t any intension, but it turns out the best memory in my life. I sent him a message couple of days ago, this is what I say -

         “It has been a year..I want you to know that no one will or can replace your place in my heart. It has become a beautiful story that I can tell my grandchildren.”

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          Yes, I know, I am still in love in my memory.

          Everything is mysteriously connected, or influence one and other. I am not talking about ‘karma’ here. In Chinese, we say, how a person deal an insignificant thing reflects how the person is going to deal with something that is significant. Nevertheless, a differ between Donald Thump and a beggar – one has wonderful ideas but never do anything about it; and one might not have wonderful ideas himself, but knows how to make it his idea and implement it. Then, I realized, Al will never be a ‘successful’ (referring to general social standards) person, because he is a laid back ‘beggar’. So, what if this is what I love about him and he can be successful to my standards? What’s my standard of ‘successful’?

….

Important Note: Beggar is not loser.

        I know what’s missing… I want to love.

          My actual birthday is on the same day of Chinese New Year Eve this year, most of my friends will be away. So, My gang had an early celebration with me at my flat last Sat night. It was great, we all cooked our favorite dishes, lots of drinks, dance, gambling, golf putting competitions, no drunken only - pure joy and of course, madness…!

Apart from Steph’s BBQ flavored Lasagna, I cooked all of these! And these were only half of the food that night!!

Carrick is cooking his favorite curry for me, and he hasn’t cook since he is in KL!

Stiff is giving Sukie some putting tips, but not sure is working..!

Bunch of serious gamblers!

All high…

Champagne time!

Oh…surprise….I was so happy…

          All of our past relationships taught us something. But some people learn faster and some people slower. Slow might not be necessarily stupid or anything, it just because some of us bet on the reasons like ‘what ifs’. The speed of walking out from an unhappy relationship shows a person’s IQ and emotional intelligent level I believe, as well as how much they respect themselves.

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          I feel people often mistake pride with dignity. Pride is not equal to dignity. Pride is empty if the person has no dignity. Pride is a part of iceberg that’s shows above the water; dignity is what’s underneath the water, the solidness.

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          I hate competitions; especially competing with someone I can’t even be bothered. These people compete with you not because they wanna for the better, but their own self insecurities issues. You have to handle it carefully, because forced competitions, which lead by jealousy, manipulation and insecurity, can be nasty sometimes. I only compete with people who are on the same ‘level’ with me, gladly. Or another incident – I meet a really strong one, I learn and gain a friend.

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          There are a lot of unwritten rules that we buy into. For instances, in a group, who leads, who follows, who listens, or who suggests is subtly determined by the collective decisions and past experiences and trust. It stays harmony when everyone has the same understanding in the group. A group extended, new blood comes in, of course, she or he doesn’t know/buy the unwritten rules, and rules got stirred. Break the harmony or change the rules? Bottom line is – what’s sensible for the group.

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          A cynical person shows her/his insecurity. However, everyone feels insecure at some point of time. So you are allowed to have a little wander. Just don’t let it leads your judgment too far.

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          Good leader is not only born with a great personality, good leader needs to practice too.