Something meant to be shared 真水无香

          We are currently doing a project that involves talking to diabetics. It was very informative, what you got to know are not from a doctor or a magazine; it is from a person who is experiencing it. That’s why it was pretty depressing to listen to someone’s illness which can’t be cured. It makes me feel it is no longer unreachable. It is real. I even start to get worried with people who I really care, dad, mum, myself and even Al in certain extend.  

          I try to thinking – have I take my health for granted just because I am still comparatively young? How my current lifestyle is gonna affecting my future health…I know, haha, I sounded very worried. But one thing for sure – I need to pay and show more attention to my parents’ health.

          While I was having a discussion with the one of diabetics, when she was sharing with me how her bother dead at a young age because of diabetes, my mind wondered. At that second, I see myself dying, I wasn’t scare, but I just can’t letting things go. I am laying on a bed with all white bed sheet. My hands are close up, intensely. I know the moment I close my eyes, that means I will never ever have my life, the things that I have back. The end means the end. Then I dreamed I have this serious illness at my older age, though I always a supporter of the Euthanasia, this point, I am not sure anymore. If I am in that situation, I’d like to make the call, I’d like to make the final decision to end my own life. And then, I truly felt how difficult the decision is – letting everything go.

          I always have strong belief about death. I never afraid of it. And I realized it is because I know so little about it.

          All the BAs are invited to a marketing strategy planning meeting at Carlsberg HQ last Wed. It was the first time that we actually involved in market planning. Everyone went there with different intentions, and to me, it could be a good time to leave some positive impression and build a stronger working relationship.

          My first impression of this international yet localized beer company is – old. And it is so ‘Chinaman’. There were few departments sat in for the meeting, everyone seems playing some kind of politics, fake yet flawlessly… lots of power struggles… poor internal communications….and of course beer bellies. And they are all men! When I was about to giving up my ‘hopes’, Dato’ Cheah, the MD of Carlsberg in Malaysia, shown up and moderated the whole meeting. He is a smart guy, very rational, pretty hands on. Dominant. Friendly. Well, at least, now is going somewhere.

          How was the meeting – I don’t know, really. It was weird. I think I’ve contributed some insights and ideas, also some honest feedbacks. However, I don’t feel any better after the meeting, in fact, I feel less confident and more unsecured about this job myself, as well as to the team who is handling us. The 4 BAs are all having some kinda competition among of ourselves, subtlety. Probably I should learn to shut my mouth sometimes, or say things differently, or become more tactful. Or even examining my own intentions. Or forget all what I just said and just be myself. 

          I forgot when is the show I put up to others and when is real. Please tell me this is just part of the puzzle in world of reality.

          I don’t know what the impact of this meeting is, yet. Hope it will lead me somewhere, doesn’t matter it is good or bad, all I need is an assurance in both the job and what I can gain from it. Only thing I can see now - what this job can give me and demand from me has started to lose its balance…

          I just had a very strange night, as I walked out from my office, and about to cross the street, it was 8ish at night. This man approached me saying, "Ms, I need to tell you something, but please don’t laugh at me…" from accent, I know he is from China. He is well dressed, looks like a decent businessman, so I let him continued.

          "I came here to do some business, but I got cheated and now, me and my colleague have no money at all, I came to this China embassy (my office is right next to it) to looking for a old friend of mine, but he is no longer working here, and …. We haven’t eaten from morning until now…..you are also a Chinese, so.. do you think you can help us out a little…yada yada …"

          When the moment he mention the word ‘money’, I knew 99.99% that it is a scandal. I look at him deeply, at that moment I decided to give him some money even though I have heard about this kinda entry level ‘tricks’ many times. What’s new to me is, they actually brought these pathetic ‘plays’ across the country!

          He is from my country. Because of this, I’d like to give him a benefit of doubt; even I’m only betting on that 0.01 percent! I know, I was pretty stupid. But I really want to believe him, and I really want to think he is going through some difficulties…and my 20 Riggit worth sympathy can at least help them to stay full till’ he get help from his boss the next day, just like what he told me. He has no idea I am a China Chinese too.

          I love my country. I try not to think about that 99.99%, it makes me feel so ashamed… the ‘business’ must be very good for them if they really are scandals, in they are eyes, people in oversea must be very ’stupid’ compare people of our own kind. In china, because of cold n’ hard competitions, because of the gap of rich and poor, because of the certain mentalities, because of the difference of level of education, because of the gap between reality and hopes, because of materialized living style… because of etc etc, these scandals happen rather often. In China, therefore, everyone has less trust in others, everyone become defensive. Everyone lives with doubts and fears. And yet desperate.

          What I feel the most upset is, these people took advantage of the beautiful of humanity – trust, honesty and believe of others, and use the good in people to make a fortune sinfully and shamelessly. This is a reflection of what I call - a true ‘third world’ mentality.  The worst, this small amount of soulless people could harm the image of rest of us in a foreign land.

          I feel fortunate because they approached me, so at lease I saved my country’s dignity from one innocent foreigner who could be just as ’stupid’ as me.  

          Be proud to be stupid!