Something meant to be shared 真水无香

I have been withdrawn from my work for quite some time. After a long break from moderating, my ‘room skills’ have became a little bit rusty, it even came to a point that I wanted to quit, not just what I do, but from where I am now. I am not happy. And I have been like this for the past two months or so (yea, it was a mental note I made for myself). And what I do at work or more specifically - in the discussion room, is the collective reflection of how you portray yourself at the very moment, and trust me, even strangers can sense it in the first very few seconds! I am not satisfied with my job, my company, my current situation.

But in the deep inside of me, I know nothing I can really do, at least for now. Only thing I can do is to push myself and let myself believe in whatever I do, what I will learn, and that would benefited me in somewhat. For instance, become more self-aware, practices more NLPs in a conscious effort, discover human behaviors and interactions…etc etc.. 

A day before my today’s group, I had a talk with Soph and May, they gave me some ‘feedback’ on who I am as a person, as well as work performance. Let’s forget what they said were rather reflect of what kind of persons they are, some stuff they brought up which I think were quite interesting. Here are some of points they bought up:

‘My first impression to others’ – people either will love me or hate me (exact words from May.)

Well, it’s not like that I don’t know who I wanna portray, I know exactly what role I am playing or how should I playing when I meet people. In fact, I have too much self-awareness some times. But work is work, especially when I watched by people who are not really comfortable (or I should I say confident) with my true self. So, fit in

become an fundamental issue, not just in the discussion room, in my working environment too. Or perhaps I never wanted to be fit in. why should I.

My thoughts on this will be – how can I get over with the supervision from my lady bosses and let my true personality shine through, we are talking about this only when I want to really commit to my job. Right now, to be honest, I can’t see myself being really committed. I am sorry.

            Another one from May and Soph that I can’t fall into any of the ‘groups’ that they known (don’t forget they consider themselves the most clever and experienced people.), they might be right, this might be because they haven’t experiencing people like me?! I don’t know. I am sorry, again.

            My question occurred was – is matter of whether I can be fit in, or, do I want to be fit in, to their perspectives.

See, generally I like what I do, but from time to time, I’ve slowly formed an idea of leaving the company. Not just the company, I want make some change in my life. At this moment, I wondered, can my life give me anymore further.

近来我想了很多，自己现在处境 —- 父母，学业，工作和感情生活。不可否认，我有些埋怨我的父母，尤其是我的父亲和他的永久的固执。在我记事以来，我的父亲无论在战场上或是商场上，一直是一个咤垞风云，有权有实的人物。但是近几年来家门落末，父母也只能撑着面子紧紧张张得过日子，不要说曾几何时的风光体面，到现在，就连我的老父亲都要压下他昨日的辉煌，挤着公共汽车去办事。父亲这几年来在股市上错误的判断和独断的投资连累到我的全家，特别是我的母亲，一生跟随我的父亲上下奔波，尝尽了人生的酸甜苦辣，到后来还要操心养家糊口的问题。老父亲因为一些官司上的扯皮，生活得格外低调压抑。而我，也间接的成了这一切的牺牲品 ——- 要开始彻彻底底的靠自己。

我的父亲虽然给了我一个辉煌的过去，但是捧得高了，摔下来就很惨，他的过失无意中夺去了我美丽的可选可不选的退路。 如今，任何的选择和决定我都得一个人扛，一个人闯。没有人可以帮我，宠我，指引我。

身边儿有几个爱我的男人，可没一个适合的，不是这儿有问题就是那出毛病。心里盘算着什么样的男人自己得不到，想找个自己真正爱的，但唯恐患得患失。

硕士快要读完了，可也不知道究竟它能在我的今后发挥个什么作用。不管怎样，还是要硬着头皮读完。

工作上的得与失渐渐得不成正比，表现也显得有些拖泥带水，不尽人意。想方设法地赚钱攒钱，不容易。不过无论如何自己在事业上还是有的发展，只是琢磨着哪一条路才能尽快地通去我想要去的目的地。

不是我抱怨现在的生活或是忘恩负义地数落父母，身为独生子女，所应该享有的特权都一一被夺走，真的不好受，再加上一个人在国外生活，好不容易，就让我埋怨埋怨吧。明早睡醒后，路是要照走。

我不甘心

我不情愿

生活给我的

是重重的埋怨

蒙上双眼

寻找出路

希望和错觉隔着一条黑布

得到的与失去的

在乎自己多于全部

无论谁玩着游戏

规则只是障眼的把戏

最后的输赢

在乎于体味什么才是真正的奖品

Got to know Tyra Banks as ‘real’ person from her real life TV shows - "American next top model", I never really liked her, but sometimes she can really surprise me with what she said. I have to say, she is more than just how she looks if those words are really from her, this is one of them:

          "Self-love has very little to do with how you feel about your outer self. It is about accepting all of yourself. You’ve got to accept the fool in you as well as the part that’s got it going on."

I’d like to share this with a dear girlfriend of mine - baby Gal - Andrea.

Something is bothering me lately - during the last two weeks, a few of my close friends announced their engagements. The news thilled me, apart from being really happy for them, it yet made me feel that some part of me is missing…

I’ve always considered myself an independent woman. Being an only child and Chinese, my parents have started to remind me it is the ‘time’ over the past two years (and it is getting more and more frequent). When every time they bring up this topic, I would reply, "Please, I don’t need a man to live my life." Of course, we don’t buy that, and worst, I started to realize - maybe I need a man.

Is it because of the age (must be)? Or the influence of the nagging from the parents? I can’t even tell, how can I be sure of a lifetime commitment. I feel the pressure but I don’t really know where exactly it comes from.

When Al asked me to marry him, I was so tempted to say yes, because I wanna have the taste of the whole wedding thing - magic ring, the moment of shyness and excitement of being proposed to, the band in the dinner party, a dance in the ceremony, the earnest greetings from friends and families, the wander of lovely children in the future… I want all of that, I want the new page of my life been flipped with someone special. I know I want it. I know my current situation is ‘mature’ enough to go all the way. But (there is always a ‘but’) back of my mind, it is not right to marry because of the sake of marriage, even though I want it so badly.

I have to be sure.

Why I am still feeling something is missing… …

           I notice that I never been a true believer in anything. I’ve preferred to combine teaching and wisdom from various sources, find what applies to me, and discard what doesn’t.

          A man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self in the mirror of some woman’s eyes.

                                                                           —— Neil Strauss, The Game

I decided to break up with a good friend of mine recently. Question is, can I really break up from a friendship? The argument with her started with small little things, obviously, that argument wasn’t the cause of the ‘break-up’ but rather a catalyst.

She used to be very close to me, I always see her as my little sister. She is a very cleaver girl, she knows the value of every person that surrounds her and uses it well. Sometimes, I wonder whether I might just be another person who has value to her at that point in her life. If so, I don’t mind, I just hope my value can do her good. See, the amazing point is, from the very beginning I know we are really different in terms of values, views and attitudes. All this while, I tried my best to convert her ‘biased’ mind to a more open mind and help her overcome her dependences and become a more mature person. Sometimes though I could feel offended by her judgmental attitudes and ideas to others, but I chose to overlook that and kept reminding myself we are family. She probably did the same; sometimes I can be pushy and be hard on her. 

All I wanted to do was to help, and sometimes it required lot of time and patience, so therefore occasionally I felt tired. Two years ago, before she left KL for her new job, I started to feel her demands slowly turning into my burdens. She emotionally blackmailed me; she demands attention, recognition, and company from me when I was also struggling with my own set of problems. The tiredness had gotten more and more unbearable, and I felt it was time for her to fly solo. I’d done my part. She needed to grow by herself, because I still believed the potential in her. It’s her choice to become a better person. I am not trying to sound like I am a saint. The truth was our friendship involved a lot of emotional baggage, and we were both very sensitive and fragile, so we both tried to avoid any confirmation till’ one day we both broke down. That first ‘break-down’ was two years ago right before she left KL for her new life - apart being happy for her, I felt released. I was hoping the beauty of the distance could hold this friendship longer. I was hoping she would learn and grow. I was hoping she would open up her mind.

When she was back this time, I realized the baggage that we had brought out the worst in me, and I started treating her with less patience and kindness. The break-up doesn’t mean I am a better person than her. I just feel this friendship can’t nurture my well-being anymore. I feel powerless. I am not that big a person that I thought or she expected. I mind. Breaking-up is not the right way, but it a ‘short cut’ to protect myself.

My question is - do I allow to break-up from an unhealthy friendship?

If you have responsibility over something, does mean you have power over it?

Or when you give some responsibility to someone, does that someone gain power…?

Everyone would agree that power comes with responsibility, but does responsibility comes with power? Does it mean responsibility = power in some way?

What kind of power are we talking about, and from whose/which perspective?

Al: Would you marry me…

Me: Err.. this is a suggestion, not a proposal, right?

A long silence…

Al: Well, it is a strong suggestion then.

Me: I will marry you when I am in love with you again.

A longer silence…

Al: Would you promise me that you will try to love me again…

Me: Yes. I promise…

I was reading an article about one-night stand, it made me think. Whether or not double standards exist in one-night stands seemingly depends on culture, society and who we ask. Correct me if I am wrong, in our culture, men are encouraged to be strong and dominate, and the ability to seduce women adds to their masculinity, and thus when they have a one-night stand with a woman, it’s a “score”. As for women, the same culture still views them as having to be entirely monogamous, and thus, it they indulge in one-night stands, they are labeled as cheap. In some culture, however, women seem to be more sexually liberated and in control of who they want to have sex with and how frequently they want to do it. After all, if it is OK for a man to do it, then it should be equally ok for a woman to do it. Or is it?

The article has mentioned a recent finding by psychologists from Sheffield University in the U.K. flies in the face of the image of the carefree, liberated  1^st century woman portrayed in TV programmes such as Sex And The City. The study of women’s attitudes towards sex revealed that women of all ages believe that sex outside the marriage bed or a committed relationship is wrong, which is fair enough. Researcher Dr. Sharon Hinchliff of Sheffield University asked 46 women aged between 20 and 83 about their views on sex and 90 percent thought casual sex was wrong and only 10 percent admitted to having a one-night stand. The women (our own kind!) also had double standards, with some of those who had one-night stands in the past saying it was wrong for others to do so!

Interestingly enough, most of the women interviewed felt that women engaging in causal sex were seen as trying to be like men. Was this shocking?!! It doesn’t fit in with the image we have got of today’s independent women, does it?

To try and fit in with society’s view on sex, some of us, as a woman, we may be trying to suppress ourselves sexually. However, I believe one-night stand does not necessarily make a woman any less of a person! I had some one-night stands in the past few years, of course under a condition of not being in a committed relationship. These experiences, in a sense, did help me to discover my own sexuality and knowing better and better with what kind man could fulfill me, physcially as well as emotionally. My current relationship definitely has benefited from these experiences in lots of ways. Yes, society will always judge. But if women set their own principles and standards, stick with them, and do what they believe is right for them, at least they will know they are being true to themselves.   

However, on the personal level, generally it is difficult to maintain a serious relationship based on a one-night stand. The nature of the first meeting is detrimental; in the sense that it is incredibly intimate at a very early stage. These people become too vulnerable to each other before there is any kind of trust between them. People give in to their desires quickly and live out their fantasy to engage in risky behaviour without thinking about the consequences. I personally do not encourage one-night stands that are because of loneliness or result of seeking for attention – you don’t want to feel even lonelier the next morning when you wake up with a stranger next to you. That’s pathetic. In other cases, if two adults are mature and really like each other, there seems to be no reason why a one-night stand cannot lead to a serious relationship

It’s about empowering, not encouraging.

p/s: Woman can also just have bit of fun before deciding to commit to someone.