Something meant to be shared 真水无香

When I ‘discovered’ some of my old habits, it made me think that maybe I’d like to challenge myself to do things differently. Even some of the small little things like when I am taking a bath, I will always wash my hair before I brush my teeth. To me, the habits are the things you get used to doing, and then develop a sense of routine, which you then become comfortable with. Then slowly it becomes the natural thing to do. Then you stop questioning yourself why you do it in such a way, even when sometimes the habits can be quite irrational.

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My questions is - :

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How to find the balance between feeling comfortable by having a safety net yet not get stuck in the routines?

I always interested in how the relationship of my two bosses work out – what’s holding them together.

She is fifteen years (at least) younger than him; she followed him traveling the world over the last ten years, and then settled Asia. He always travels without her accompanying him, he is very experienced in what he does, and he can be ‘naughty’ sometimes. They never have ‘officially’ married and don’t seem interest to get ‘married’ anyway – they call themselves live without norms. They don’t want kids; although they know they can be fantastic parents. They work together – I must say very professionally – you can never tell the passion or hear quarrels in the office, ever. All I can sense is the respect she has for him, the certain dependency that he has for her.

The reason that I interested in them is, I’d like to compare them with me and Al. In circumstance, him and Al are very similar, extremely intelligent yet an ‘escapers’. And I ask myself how can they work out, but why so hard for me. I figured out when she said to me, “He is the smartest guy I have ever met.” I realized what we looking for in a man are fundamentally different. 

She loves him, largely I presume, is because she admires him so much so that she desires to have a life with him. For me, as much as I admire the same sort of good qualities in Al, I know these aren’t my primary needs in a man, in a relationship. I want a man who can stand up for himself, who can take responsibilities, who is internally secure about himself, inner health, plus certain leadership qualities. I feel released; because I thought I didn’t know how to appreciate Al who has certain qualities that’s good enough for smart women like my boss to spend their lives with.

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Never fall in love with a person’s potential, because that would give the relationship more work to do!

Janice is back after she finished her MBA in States, we set a dinner to catch up. I was very much looking forward to see her, apart from to know her life then, I also wanna find out how much she gained after living in the States for a year and half, and do we have a distance with all her overseas experiences and education?

Through out the conversation, I found her knowledge is very much ‘Americanized’. For instance, she thinks markets like China, Malaysia and Japan as whole Asia which I didn’t agree with. China is complex enough to become an independent subject by itself, and it can’t be compared to Malaysia. It is just too generalized. On the other hand, issues about corruption – it won’t be a single issue that’s stopping foreign investments. The competitive advantage is far more complicated than that…etc.

It’s always a plus when your environment provides you opportunities to explore, but that doesn’t mean everyone knows how to make the best out of it. if you don’t keep reminding yourself be open-minded, and constantly absorb what you have seen, heard, learnt and experienced, you will stay in the same place even though you have physically been to a different place.

On the other hand, staying in a same place doesn’t mean you can’t make the best out of it. It’s your choice what kind of information you want to absorb, it’s your choice what kind of people you want to interact with and learn from. It’s your choice to have the lifestyle that gives you room to grow, consistently.

It’s a blessing to have a good exploration, but it’s such waste if you can’t or you don’t know how to grab whatever that can make you a better person.

I always crave ‘more’ in life and I will never stop. And I think for her, the biggest gain after all is be able to see the differences (though it can be a little superficial at some points) in these two countries. When you see the difference, you create yourself a room to choose.

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p/s: I think the ‘more’ for me and Janice is very different, her ‘more’ skewered to recognition. In fact, she is pursuing her second Masters in Finance. This is something about her that I truly respect – the determinations and self-discipline. 

            My fear of self-inadequacy has developed into a dependency in my relationship with Al. 

Had a free massage voucher, and made an appointment on Saturday morning. They recommended a blind man masseur, I said sure.

I was guided in to a small well set up room full of candles, aromatherapy scents burning and instructed to take my clothes off, I mean - everything. Well, the room is dark enough, plus he is a blind man, so I followed the instructions.

He walked in with a warm greeting. We introduced ourselves, fortunately, he was a very confident, friendly guy who spoke good English, and so I can put the reserved sympathy aside and fully enjoy this ‘body & soul’ experience. Because the room was quite dark, I couldn’t really see his features or tell whether he was blind or not. But as soon as he started, I know he was.   

His touch, very different, compared to all the massage I’ve experienced – very concentrated on feelings, discovering… yet gentle – the touch is all he can sense. He started from my left leg, and after checking the suitable pressure, he asked me to relax. I listened and closed my eyes, and let him lead me into the sensations.

He soon discovered the scar on my right leg, and slowed down, and asked me have I had any traumatic accident or any sort. When I confirmed it, I felt he handled me with more care, and I appreciated it. Very quickly, he discovered the problems with my back and neck which I had for quite some time. He used some very unique techniques to try to release the discomfort, and though it was very sore at times, it worked! I felt so good once he finished massaging my back. Then, I have to turn around; I was fairly comfortable letting him massage my chest, especially with them been so professionally touched. But I can feel the strength on his skillful hands wasn’t as firm as when he massaged me elsewhere, and he was a little nervous. I had a little smile on my face, he couldn’t see, but I bet he felt that.

I mean, that was nice. I am not ashamed of my body, he massaged almost every part of it, and I enjoyed it very much. My whole body felt so light and relaxed when I walked out the room. I must say he’s got the skills! During the massage, I wondered:

How do you read these little cues to read the person when you touch a total stranger, like a ring, a necklace, even a scar… do you read a person with your touch?

Were you born blind? If you were, what kinds of images are going through your mind when you touch a woman’s body?

And…what do you think about my body compared to all the women that you’ve touched…

            Let’s just leave it here, ladies, let me know if you want to experience what I went through, I have the reservation number.

          Just taken out all the photos from the wall, and the apartment suddenly looked so empty…He came home, standing in front the wall with only holes left, looking sad. “Where are all the photos?” He asked me softly.

         “I took them down to fix the holes behind, you know landlord…some maintainer came to fix the Air-conditioner, and so I asked them a favor…” I looked down and explained.

         “Yea…It’s a little too soon, right…?”

         “Well, we gonna move out soon anyway..”

          No one wanted to talk…

          I opened my arms and hugged him, tight. This man…who is just right in front of me, trying his best to win me back…

          I cried when I was in his arms and feeling his strength. He kissed me and I didn’t refuse the first time after so long. My heart melted with guilt and love. Yes, I still love him, in lot of ways.

         But, I’ve already chosen a path that’s no turning back…

         I don’t know when this has became a choice of two love. All I can do is to wait, to hope.

         Hope there will be light…

           "There is no such thing is ‘business ethics’, there are only ethics, you either have them, or you  haven’t."

             "The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity."

          Yes, I was afraid of change. But, I suddenly remembered - I am not afraid of death, what else I should be afraid if I am not shy away from death. The truth is I love myself. Therefore, I decided to commit myself to grow with or without pain.

          Have you ever done something that you don’t usually do - you do it is because you feel close to someone, you do it is becuase you remembered someone while you were doing the things that person usually do.