Something meant to be shared 真水无香

In myth and folklore, as on

mountains, new life grows

from the ashes of the old,

Like in the Egyptian myth of

the phoenix,

Rising from the

          smoldering ashes

of its parent;

…….….

Both summer and winter

          solstice are traditional

times for giving things up,

Letting go, sloughing off the

          old season’s skin

………….….

They are also times for

making new beginnings.

The old season dies; the new

          waxes and wanes,

          the great wheel turns.

I held you close to me,

Tried to surround you and protect you with my love,

To keep you safe from all harm,

But it was not what you needed.

….

I wanted to keep you for myself, encircled, sheltered,

Instead of allowing you to grow and flourish,

spread your wings, explore your potential.

….

I now realize I cannot contain you,

And that your happiness is best discovered without me.

To let you go, knowing I must set you free,

This is the hardest task I have ever done.

….

Fly away

Fly high

Fly free.

Go from my sight, quickly and do not look back;

For if you do, you will see a smile

covering the broken heart.

…

May your wings take you to the place you want to go,

And all your dreams be fulfilled.

Be happy in all you do,

That is what I have always wanted for you.

There was an incident happened in my trip that make me think of ‘human instinct’. Things started 1^st night after dinner, great talk, great company, and great food. After few beers, we felt it was time to cool ourselves down with chillin’ sea water. So, we left our stuff on the table where we had our dinner, and jumped into the sea, started to play. When we made most of it and came back from our swim with the joy of exhaustion, the restaurant had already closed. We are wondering where our stuff was.

           There was a noise came from dark, saying “there’s your stuff, we left them for you”. And I saw my bag with some cash and camera inside. I was very grateful, thinking that everything was just perfect. However, one of us realized there was a few stuff missing, we didn’t think otherwise, and supposed a friend left early and took it with him. All of us went to bed with peace and dreams of stars.

Next morning, we found out that our friend didn’t take anything with him when he left. The first reaction I had was I became all suspicious. Went back to the restaurant and found the GM – a French guy. He was fairly helpful, he found out the security guards the night before. I finally could see him clearly, which confirmed an assumption in my mind – he stole it, because he is a rural, uneducated, untrustworthy Malay guy. And he is ’smart’, steal some, leave some, ah! How clear! Bastard!

He barely speaks English, so the conversation was through another staff in the restaurant, and from his expression I felt he was trying to defend himself that my things were all he saw on the table, nothing else. I looked at him for a long second, and believed he was lying. I didn’t want to waste my precious time, besides the GM was very protective, so I told the GM, “let’s forget about the camera and cash in the wallet, please just return our credit cards, ICs. We are not interested to know who took it, where did it go, and how did it come back, all we care is to have less hassle…” at that moment, I reflect myself being smart, forgiving, and trusting.

We were all wrong, he didn’t take it. Those things were in the pocket all the time. We were just too drunk to remember; we only took a part of responsibility and blamed the rest to a complete innocent stranger. We’d like to think it wasn’t our fault completely, because others are not trustworthy. Shame on me.

It is common when bad things happen, most of time we’d like to think the worst of others, therefore it is easier for us to blame and transfer the guilt to others. I felt disgrace that I doubted someone’s soul base on my biased assumptions. When I flash back myself, I was ugly.           

Of courses this is not always right, because assumptions are largely based on our past experiences. If we had more positive experiences, we will naturally assume the best, and vice versa. Anyway, in the end, all of us had a good laugh, and something for us to remember by for this trip. We went back to that GM and brought him a beer to apologize. I wondered where is the line to trust and not to trust; to trust yourself or others. 

I feel lot’ released after 1st talk with Al last night. He took it fairly well. We both couldn’t really sleep after the talk, because we know the change has to be made…

“I can only be excellent if I can focus on discovering my full potentials”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

……………

Things that need to be improved

Continuous leaning

Be kind

Be patient

Proactive

Keep up the performances

Manage emotions

Stay focus

………

People who I hold close to my heart

Aw

BlueX

Dan

/Richy

Derek

Fabio

King

Ma Bin

山俊

孙榕

…………

My dear sisters

Milky Cow

Jacelyn

Cynthia

Steph

………..

People who are special to me

Siswanto

Zhi Heng

Sean

………………

People who has direct impact in my current life

May

Dave

Soph

Al

Panch

My thoughts have gone through a big curve in these past few days. The decision has formed slowly and I’ve shared with few of my close friends. Apparently, the current situations (plus some of critical issues) only allow me to make this necessary transition less straight forward but gradually. It is why I’ve been reminding myself to think with head not heart.

Buying Time

I roughly need two years to have a clearer picture of my career path, and ‘Thinking south’ is one of the possibilities that I have so far. The bottom line is - I craving a new environment which can provide me excitements, challenges and more room to grow. I desire a more independent and quality life style.

The good part is the preparation has already begun.

Help him to build a quality life

First of all, I realized he has given me too much attention and withdrawn himself from his social circles. It’s time to push him to start a healthier life style, for his own good, for instance, going to the gym, catching up with his mates, some society activities, all of this will help him to swift the focus back to himself, again!

Secondly, focus on ‘quality’, for instances, quality in communication, intimacy moments, life style, living hobbies and etc. The truth is, it is not something new for us, there were countless unpleasant arguments that caused by lacking in quality in the things he did. And it is probably one of the biggest reasons driven me away from him. I need to show him the change is achievable, not for me, but for himself. Well, of course, if he feels happy the way he is now, and then it’s his choice.

Last but not lease, help him to see everything he planed for is preparing himself moving to the next level, but not necessary with me.      

Be honest with him (at least the parts that I can)

Propose an ‘open-relationship’- in terms of ‘open’, I am referring to open possibilities, opportunities and freedom for both of us. In my heart, I can only see him as my future children’s father, not my husband, yet. Therefore, an ‘open relationship’ is the only way I can see myself with him for now. Although I am not really sure where is this relationship going, we won’t expect things that’s beyond what it is now.

Once again, it only works if we both are rational enough and be positive at same time. I need to pull my life together and I know I am not alone. In the end, the question will be asked by both of us – will there be a hope still?

(Sorry, I have to write this in Chinese)

近来我的生活变得有一些复杂，尤其是感情生活上的一些问题。和他四年的感情与一起生活的乐趣在一点一点的逝去… 所剩下的是一些熟悉，同情与淡漠。他慢慢地已不是我生活的重心，也激不起曾有过的渴望。此时此刻，有很多问题在我的脑海里 - 是因为我的自私？是自己无法满足的欲望？还是我已经不爱他了。

在很多人眼里我是幸运的，目前的一切也似乎在一个‘正确的轨道’上。可是真正充斥在我的脑海里的是无数的选择和可能性。我想他也明白这一点，只是他并不知道我对他感情上的这些起起伏伏。有时我在想，这样对他很不公平。可是在向他彻底坦诚之前，我需要明白我要什么。

当我感到其他人对我的信心大于自己对自己的时，这是一种很可怕的的感觉。会有一种疑惑 - 难道别人在我身上看到了些什么，而自己却错过了。昨天和几个MBA的朋友聊天，了解到他们对一些事情的看法，虽然没有直接的帮助，可是让一些现实的问题赤裸裸地展现，叫我不得不去面对：

他将要给我的生活是我想要的吗？

我将来愿意过一种欺骗自己的生活吗？

我现在可以一个人生活吗？

我现在需要他吗？

我究竟可以自私到什么程度？

我应该现在伤害他，还是以后伤害他？

我可以保证我以后不会伤他吗？

如果我选择另一种生活，我可以肯定那又是我想要的吗？

我会后悔吗？

我愿意放弃我和他现在经营着的一切吗？

我那些我看不上的人其实是一样的吗？

等待着我的是什么？

我们能承受住外界的压力， 做一个适当的决定吗？

如果我错了，我还可以回来吗？

我需要现在做决定吗？

我不想让其他的人或者因素成为离开他的原因。这应该是一个完全出于我自己的决定。我现在需要的，是你的理解和原谅。

“依莎贝尔我的中国公主”

                          —- Shan Jun

It’s amazing how my office dynamic has changed after a year. Apparently, there are someone playing nasty office politics for her own personal interests in the office lately, and unfortunately I’ve been involved with these dramas without even realizing it. Well, I was not surprised that all of this happened, or could happen, ‘cos I know that person well enough, the good and the evil. What surprised me was that my office manager was on my side, and after all of these changes and differences, I have finally been ‘accepted’ by her. Of course, I must thankful to a my dear friend of mine, also my new colleague, her present has neutralized this whole group dynamic and added a new element of sincerity.

          There were once I told May (my MD) that time will prove a person who she/he really is, as I told myself to hang on there. I am glad I did. It turns out, all good and bad intentions will be exposed in its own mysterious unspoken way.