Something meant to be shared 真水无香

‘对呀，有时候我们是需要一些插曲，需要一些美丽的，或不同的片断来调节一下。’

                                                                            ——- Cow Cow

“When I think of you, I think of white…’

….

从小到大，你是第一个完美的秘密

不想纠缠于秘密的起因

知错的情早已漫过背叛的心

是因为你的一切太美

…

拢开你额前的长发

望穿你那犹如海一般蓝的眼睛

你知道

那一刻我属于你 

…

永远试图解读彼此的心

小心的捧着这相似的记忆

模糊的深情里

有一个你远去白色的背影

Catching up with an old friend always reminds me of my past. We have known each other for almost 5 years. Her family and I have a little ‘history’; they are Chinese Muslim originally from China. Some of her family members still stay in the city where my hometown is. Her parents apparently are very influential in Malaysian-Chinese-Muslim society and are well respected. Her unique family background and her talent have made her an extraordinary person.

I really got to know her and her family when I was in my ‘transition period’ 4 years ago and the whole family has treated me very well. Her parents literately have rescued me from a ‘psycho landlord’! I am still a little embarrassed about those things and the ‘white lies’ I’ve made up that time. I was in a mess.

But all of this didn’t diminish the respect that I have for her and her family. It was so good to catch up and I really did enjoy her company. I realize that the truth is I used to be afraid of her company not only because she saw me in my worse stage of my life but she reminded me of a side of myself which I wasn’t ready to face – which I was too weak to handle. In my eyes, she is always so sure about her values, her beliefs, and herself. She is so proud of her heritage and her family. And she trusted me. All of these is like a mirror and directly reflected my confusion and fears at the time.

That was the past. We both have since grown up. However, one thing that didn’t change is her trust, total honesty and openness.

Strange, what I know about her are only from my intuition and observation, and I guess this same goes for her too. The only thing I am sure about is that she is a friend who I truly respect. I’d like to keep this friendship for a long, long time.

Her name is Shukreen Ma.  

             Sometimes the dynamic of a relationship can change over night, ever so subtly. I have been very ‘cruel’ to a friend of mine recently. I needed to and I was. It’s for his own sake before this relationship ‘went bad’. I treasure this friendship, but before calling it a friendship, there’s an old saying that always sticks in my mind – can a girl and a guy be good friends, real good friends? To be frank, I believe that no matter what, there is an attraction in any friendship with the opposite sex. The attractions can be either personality or in the way of interaction… and don’t deny the physical parts! See, the idea of having a friend of the opposite sex is that both sides control themselves and maintain a consensual high moral standard. But trust me in a situation like this, a mutual understanding is just not good enough; at least one side needs to take on the two responsibilities. To be fair, I think I am a good controller but not necessarily highly moral (I always think I’m a person with no ethics, but hey, define ‘ethics’ first). Therefore, a different mechanism is needed to adjust this friendship – to be a bitch. Ha! Hate to call myself that, but yes. I’ve been very fierce and neglectful, and all of this was done very consciously.

Of course this whole thing is more complex than just a friendship since we work together. Plus the things I’ve been going through during the past few weeks, and a couple of unpleasant comments given by him. All of this led us into this ‘strange’ situation. The bottom line is – I am sad when we have nothing to say to each other in an hour and half driving, but this is a necessary pain that both of us have to go through in order to regain the boundary and mutual respect in this friendship. 

I think he loved me……

记住三月六号那个美轮美奂的夜 … …

….

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.
….
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.
….
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
….
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

You’re Beautiful  James Blunt

Here is something from my fella quite sometime ago, I didn’t post it because I know it is only half true. On the other hand, it is very interesting to know what he thinks of me and my interactions with my friends -

Isabel is someone who people are naturally drawn to. I should know: I was. Anyone that knows her will attest to her multitude of admirable qualities – a huge heart, infinite loyalty, and kindness. She doesn’t suffer fools gladly (I must be the exception that proves the rule) and has a very astute and sharp mind. Have I mentioned gorgeous? All in all a wonderful human being, and I thank my lucky stars every day that she is with me.

One little turd in the water works is that she has many admirers of the opposite sex – and while I can not blame them for their good taste, it does rankle me somewhat. It’s not a matter of trust – as I tell her – of course I trust her. It’s just that I can’t trust these guys…you see, my Bella is a pure spirit and can not for a second contemplate any nefarious ulterior motives. Maybe nefarious is too strong a word, but I like it. Anyway, they are guys and to paraphrase Billy Crystal – no guy can be friends with a woman they want to have sex with….something like that anyway.

Some of them are wealthy, some are sensitive-new-age-guys, and some of them are successful go-getters. However it’s a battle for me to realize that Isabel is not just different to me: she’s better. But it’s a battle I’m winning, I hope. I used to question that she couldn’t be so naïve as to think they only want to be friends, nothing more. But she does think that, and it’s not naivety – it’s just her. Isabel’s unique – and these guys are very lucky that they know her and reap the wonderful benefits of being her friend. And that is all that should matter to me.

           Went to Tiesto’s Party on Last Sataurday night. I am extramly pleased by him effort, there were a great fusion in his play that night - Asian tranditional music (Indian tranditional music and Chinese tranditional instruments) well converged in his spin. A great fun!

‘There are no mistakes, there are just experiments.’

Life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

My grandma passed away last Thursday, I feel horrible not only because of her ‘absence’ but I was not there to hold her hand. I heard the news that she was really ill right before my birthday, and I’ve been struggling whether I should go back to see her. In the end, I decided not to, because of my intensive schedule, because of my tied-up life.

I’ve been dreading the inevitable moment when I’d head about the news. How would I feel, would I come apart…and here it is, sorrow just like what I’d imaging. I’m not avoiding it, I know I can’t. Apart being sad, I took this as an opportunity to get a taste of ‘death’ – I am reasoned, calm. 

My friends, colleagues and lover hold my hands and helped me to get through all of this. I am especially touched by May, Sophie and everyone in the research team. Thank you to all of you from the depth of my heart.

My grandma is the kindest lady I’ve ever known, she has transferred some values to my mum and these values influence me even now. Although I am not that close with her, the thought of losing her forever is hurtful enough.

Here is something for my grandma -   

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready, in Heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind, all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is Eternity, all I’ve promised you".
Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day, there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here,
in your heart.

David M. Romano

           Finally, I got my 2nd tattoo done! Like it very much. Now, I can take another thing out from my ‘To-Do List’!! Oh Yeah, baby!