Something meant to be shared 真水无香

"Maybe I needed some perspective, to be able to really see you."

                                                                                —– "Nip Tuck"

A friend asked me a question right before my birthday – “how do you know you are happy?”

And I answered, “I’ve got all I need.”

And he asked me again, “is what you need what you want?”

I answered him, “Yes. It is to me. Therefore, I am happy.”

I believe a lot of things that we want the most are not necessarily needed. Most of our worries, fears, and stresses are caused by this gap between the ‘needs’ and ‘wants’. Let’s not talk about others but myself: I needed nothing for my birthday therefore I want nothing. And this is what I told Al and my friends - it is not that I’m stagnant, but my wants are my needs. I don’t desire what I potentially could desire – I am happy with wherever I am now, and most importantly, I know that I am moving forward, gradually.

Being 26, I am truly grateful with whatever I have now. I feel even more grateful that I want for nothing that’s beyond what I need at this stage.

What I need is what I want. What I want is what I need. 

My baby wants me to write something about us – it’s her birthday you see– but it’s hard for me. Real hard.

What do I think of my Bella? Why do I love her? How good are we together? What goes on in my mind? Why do I constantly screw up? All these questions. She likes questions. And answers.  I’m not so comfortable with too many questions…I’m kind of closed I suppose….less so now after being with her for over 3 years,……But not as open as she would like, I’m real sure of that.

What comes to mind when pressed is, why does she love me. If I was being critical, I would say I’m not exactly the best catch….but I’m in no doubt that she does love me. The problem is that I am risking using up her reserves of love and driving her away. I cannot afford to continue on this path or I will lose her. This scares me. She hit the nail on the head in one her discussions – I’m not taking responsibility for my life. I’m not. I avoid confrontation and it’s hurting us – small things grow into big problems all because I don’t face them early and deal with them. Like a man.

I think this is the theme of our relationship – me not wanting to grow up and not taking responsibility – it’s scary to do that, but necessary I’m afraid. Isabel talks of herself being ‘like water’ in that she’s afraid she’ll take the shape of whatever surrounds her – good and bad - and I can understand this. There’s a lot of my behaviour that I think stems from my being spoiled and overprotected as a child…it is completely different from Isabel’s adolescence and it has caused friction in our relationship, understandably. What I think I am learning (not fast enough, I fear, for Isabel’s taste) is that I do not necessarily have to be defined by this history and that I, me, am solely responsible for changing or perpetuating my behaviour. It helps when I have the stark reality that if I don’t change, I will lose her. That’s powerful.

Witnessing my parents fighting is not pleasant - but not always so. Just a night before I finished my CNY holiday in Zhu Hai City, my parents had a falling out over a tiny thing. In a situation like this, I have always been forced to take a stand – who to support (tough one there)! But I always end up taking a role of ‘judger’ and try to play this fair game. Sometimes, I kinda enjoy this live drama, it not always bad, all these little routine things are real, and exist in every relationship. It helps my relationship, in a way.

As I told a friend of mine, I always know my parents but I understand them differently each time I see them, this is probably because of increasing live experiences, age, and the long periods of separations.

My parents always ‘help’ each other to make decisions on ‘small’ things. For instance, my mum wanna order some dish and is rejected by my dad because of … what? Not sure really… in that second I feel he just kinda ignored my mum’s needs, but interestingly, my mum didn’t insist on her idea of having that dish and let my dad order for her instead anyway. On the other hand, mum will stop my dad if he wants to do something (housework usually) that is not ‘her way’, like no lights when we’re watching TV to save the electricity, not that we can’t afford it. She always trades her comfort for something she thinks is beneficial, but in my opinion she is using mixed up logic. My dad always complains to me that he feels depressed when my mum forces him to do something which we think is not very logical. These sorts of things will go on and on……. The bottle line is, all of these ‘decision making interferences’ start with very good intentions, I believe.

           At beginning of every relationship, we are showing our cares and concerns on the little things; we suggest, we remind one and other. Slowly, when two people get too comfortable of each other, the care and concern become a little demanding or what I call a power struggle. Therefore, the karma becomes dangerously negative. How to find a balance in showing good intentions yet encouraging a loved one’s wants and needs are crucial to retaining a healthy long term relationship.

We all have a desire to control, but let’s not forget the good intentions each and every time when we tell off something to our partner. Al said something to me that I totally agree with– to love someone is to protect his/hers spirit, and in circumstances to free the spirit!

When we get that, then we truly understand the true meaning of respect in our relationships.

近来被一个很可爱的小男生“追”得很紧。他很是体贴，处处为我着想。虽然觉得他有时太过为我为重，失去了少许的阳刚，可也迁就着他的体恤，沐浴着他的惯腻。直到“温泉事件”的发生……

珠海的冬天并不是那么冷，可是穿着泳衣，从30几度高温的温泉里爬出来，站在冷冽的海风里，不论是谁都会打几个冷战。本来体贴的他理所当然地把它的浴巾为我加上，自己赤着个膀子在冷风中傻笑。我也没多想，浴巾到处都是，如果他感到冷的话，他会为自己找个东西遮寒。

可是，他病了，而且在去温泉前，他已经有一些因为换气候而着凉的症状。我不知道，他自己知道。在同情他的同时，我的心里有几分隐藏了的不满 —— 我无法质疑关心的人的纯善动机，但是，生病是可以避免的。对我来说，懂得如何照顾和善待自己来得更是实际，珍贵。人，应该先学会照顾好自己，才能真真正正承担起照顾你心爱的人的责任，照顾自己是对自己负责任！

男孩的关心是纯的，生病是无意的，可这也恰恰显出了男孩付出的青涩。而且我相信在现实生活的感情世界中，像这样“主宾”颠倒的问题是大大存在着的。“牺牲”自我固然可贵，可是在牺牲自我之前，一定要问问自己，牺牲的后果是否是驾驭在照顾自己的责任之上！

爱，不应该是一种负担。

先学会照顾自己，再去照顾你爱的人。

                        Can’t remember who sent me this, but it made me laugh ’till my tears out. Wait a minute! It just shows that China has a ‘bright future‘!

Mer-Lion City

      I always wanted to write something about Singapore after my first visit there a few weeks ago, but was just too busy to settle down to structure my thoughts properly. Finally I am home in Zhu Hai; and it’s a good time to catch up…

       I liked Singapore in general, and I didn’t find it distant even though it was my first visit. Probably because I’ve heard and read enough about the city, no, the country?! – it was just like what I expected – a powerful government, contented citizens – basically a well-organized little land.

      I’m not Malaysian, so I’m not so cynical about Singaporeans’ superior attitudes, yet I am more motivated by their spirit of searching for quality in everything they do. Yes, it’s all about quality and perfections. What a small, yet sophisticated land!

      Due to my work, most of the times when I saw Singapore was after the sun went down - the city embellished by colorful lights, peaceful and well mannered. I have a feeling even the night life here is so organized.

      I like this place and I think I will be back again soon. Now, the question in my mind is - can it be one of my options to settle down in the near future?